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Coping After a Miscarriage

Posted: Sunday, March 20, 2011

by Pablee Wong
Vancouver Wishing Wells Counselling Service

As an expectant mother or parent, losing a child through miscarriage can be heartbreaking. Unfortunately, miscarriages are fairly common. Some statistics show that on average, 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage - most of which occur in the first trimester.

Regardless of your religious belief and the medical terminology you prefer to describe your unborn child, it is devastating to lose a child. From the moment pregnancy is confirmed, expectant parents normally start to bond with the unborn child. When this precious baby turns out not to be viable, dreams, fantasies and plans for the future are shattered.

Whether you believe that it is just a fetus or it is a baby, there is no doubt that this is a great loss. How short a time this fetus or baby lived in your womb may not matter regarding the feelings of loss. It is, after all, a child you would be holding and feeding in a few months, a lifelong relationship you could treasure, and a dream you have lost.

If you have lost a pregnancy, although you may recover physically from a miscarriage quickly, you will be experiencing a process of grief.

The emotional recovery can take a long time. People differ a lot in their psychological recoveries - some can come to acceptance and start moving on in a few months, whereas others may take much longer.

The normal cycle of grief including the 5 stages suggested by Kubler-Ross are:

Denial / Shock - “No. this isn’t happening to me! Everything will be ok. I just need to keep praying. It is just a bad dream, this is not really happening….”
Anger - “God, Why me? It’s not fair! You are supposed to take care of me. NO! NO! How can this happen? The doctor should have done something to save my child, etc.
Bargaining - “I’ll do anything to have my baby back. perhaps I should have taken better of myself. Maybe if i did …….. or didn’t…….. then my baby would have survived. God, please listen to my prayers. I wish I had taken better care of myself. Please bring my child back and I will make sure I will be a good person, etc.”
Depression - “There is no meaning in life anymore. Why bother with anything? I will never have my baby back. Even if i can be pregnant again, the next child is not the same as this one. I can’t move on anymore . . . What’s the point?, etc”
Acceptance (Also Integrating & Making sense of your loss) - “Yes, I have lost a child. It’s very sad and painful. I will miss him/her and I will think of him/her sometimes. But it’s going to be OK. I can still go on with life.”

Some people may mistake moving on and acceptance as “forgetting”. When someone comes to acceptance of a painful truth, it means that this tragic event/fact will be integrated with your life. The experience becomes part ofyou. It is something that as time goes by, you may still remember the loss of your unborn child but the frequency of remembering becomes less often. You may still feel sad about it when you remember it years later but it will no longer be as devastating. This will become part of your memory that you can look back at and honour.

Here are some of the normal experiences, questions and emotions you may be experiencing after a miscarriage:

Feel a deep sense of pain, loss and sadness
Ask many questions regarding the miscarriage, such as
- The medical reasons behind miscarriage
- Existential questions about life & death
- Questioning God’s justice and your faith
- Asking “Why” all the time
Feel not understood by others as some people don’t know how to respond to your loss
Feel minimized and angry if your relatives, friends or families may say to you, “Its ok, you are young, you can be pregnant again. You will have another baby.”
Feel sad, depressed, and angry when seeing other mothers going through their full pregnancies
Feel a sense of injustice when seeing other mothers carrying through their pregnancies
Feel isolated and alone as other people do not know how to talk with you about the topic of miscarriage
Feel physically paralyzed or emotionally numb at times
Feel worried about future pregnancies
Wonder what happened to your unborn child
Blame yourself and wonder if you have done something wrong to “make” the miscarriage happen
Avoid interacting with other pregnant women and newborn children as it can be a painful reminder
Experience sadness around the supposed due date or anniversary of the miscarriage.

Most often, women feel isolated and alone after a miscarriage. Even though our society is very technologically advanced, there is still somehow a stigma about openly talking about deaths and mourning losses. There is often pressure for individuals to be strong and not to cry openly. Grieving can be a lonely process for some women, especially those whose husbands find it hard to grasp the concept of miscarriage.

Here are some of the ways to cope with a miscarriage:

Give yourself time to rest physically and recover emotionally
Don’t force yourself to be a superwoman and expect to feel better immediately
Allow yourself time to feel sad, grieve and mourn the loss of your unborn child
Acknowledge to yourself that this is a loss and it is sad to lose something or someone so dear
Give your unborn child a name
Acknowledge to yourself that you may never fully know “why” it happened to you
Buy something (baby clothes, etc) for your unborn child to remember and honour his or her short life in your womb.
Light a candle , say a prayer or have some sort of ritual to say goodbye
Journal your feelings
Write a letter to your unborn child to tell him or her how sad it is that you will never get to know him or her
Go onto online forums and share your experiences with other women who had similar experiences.

If you have had a miscarriage, please don’t feel ashamed or blame yourself for the loss.
If you are ready and can find the courage to share this experience with others, you will be surprised how many other women would then tell you that they have had a miscarriage as well. Should you experience a great sense of sadness and continue to feel depressed for a long period of time, please consult your family doctor. You may also consider seeking professional individual counselling support from a registered counsellor.

Pablee holds a Masters degree in Counselling. She is a Registered Clinical Counsellor of BC, Canada (RCC), Registered Marriage & Family Therapist (RMFT in USA), Registered Play Therapist Supervisor (RPT-S in USA) and Certified Play Therapist Supervisor (CPT-S) in Canada.

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